I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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