I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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