youre lurking in front of me
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
