If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
