Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
