Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize