I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
