my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize