so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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