Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
