I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
