I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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