he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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