It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
