Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
There's always time for handjobs
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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