Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Four minutes until I can fart!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
