If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
