You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
