i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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