we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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