I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
PANTIES FOUND
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