he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
