I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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