My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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