I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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