Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize