It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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