Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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