quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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