please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
