I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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