so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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