: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
