dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
