I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
