I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
