Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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