..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize