Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
