I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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