my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize