ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Randomize
