: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
