i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
