I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i think im in europe. pls send help
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