just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
