he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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