I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
