I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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