just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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