She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
