I accidentally had phone sex last night
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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