dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
