Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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