Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
