Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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