I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
