I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
