in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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