So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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