can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
