i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
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