i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
